[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”