Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
You Might Also Like
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”