me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Nothing.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
when you are just born a rebel
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
men are simple creatures
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone