*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?