If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*