The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.