For anyone who needs this today
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My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes