I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
You Might Also Like
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Still laughing at this stupid meme
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
They’re called werewolves.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I would move hell over six inches for you