I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…