awesome draft from months ago i just found
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
the red hot silly peppers
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on