All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It鈥檚 makes me feel like I鈥檓 getting my money鈥檚 worth.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[wears my camouflage hat] where鈥檚 my camouflage hat
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there鈥檚 a giant hole in this plot
him: that鈥檚 where the casket goes
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren鈥檛 more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don鈥檛 want us to know I guess
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 馃ぃ
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Wife: our daughter can鈥檛 find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn鈥檛 you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.