“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?