Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.