WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
canadian assassins are called killergrams
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Europe. Made in Germany.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons