I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it