I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.