🤦🏻♀️😂😂
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.