Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety