Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
BRO LMFAO
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex