All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Sell your car
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!