*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*