*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
You Might Also Like
kids play hide and seek like
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Mornin
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.