Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
it is time once again
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit