Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.