FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Time for evil
i think we should see other cousins
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
incredible book dedication
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My dating profile:
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it