[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
True?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Bobby pin
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.