*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.