Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.