I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
did it work
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.