running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Is this a threat?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.