Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
You Might Also Like
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My new favorite headline
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys