[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.