The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette