Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My wife has the worst taste in men.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily