7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
You Might Also Like
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
let’s discuss
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.