The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.