Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.