every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”