Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Cat.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
everyone has that one prude friend
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?