*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.