TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you know, you know
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
☺️
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁