People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.