When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Blew my mind.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator