A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?