All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“Huge”.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.