Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You Might Also Like
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
live, laugh, laundry.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.