*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Do one person every day that scares you.