I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Print is alive and well!!!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?