Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Trying
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
the three branches of government
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.