I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Not helping
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?